Funny Doctors Day Quotes

Funny doctors day quotes: All things considered, we as a whole realize Doctors is another face of God Because Doctors are the person who spares our life as God will spare us, In Honor to Doctor, today we will give you the 50 Best Quotes on Doctors Day, and Best Wishes on Doctors Day. I am essentially certain that this Doctor day quotes will make each specialist glad to be a specialist.

The National Doctors’ Day could be a day celebrated to recognize the commitments of doctors to singular lives and networks. The date could shift from country to country figuring on the occasion of recognition acclimated stamp the day. In a few countries, the day is set apart as an excursion.

In spite of the fact that envisioned to be praised by patients in and promoters of the tending business, it’s occasionally celebrated by medicinal services associations. representatives could sort out lunch for doctors to blessing the doctors with tokens of acknowledgment. customarily, a card or red carnation is likewise sent to doctors and their life partners, close to a bloom being put on the graves of perished doctors.

Intriguing certainties about Doctor’s

All of you realize that July 1 is the official date of Doctor’s day festivity, however, in a few nations like Brazil, the day is praised on various dates. October 18 is the official date of Brazil, while in joined states the day is praised on 30 March.

Doctors Jokes

Without these restorative experts, life would be brief for people. The significance of having somebody who knows the human body more than any other individual is essential. From that point, doctors have turned out to be basic. Throughout the years, the restorative practice has improved and more upgrades are found to help those in need. Sparing lives is a standout amongst the most sacrificial acts one can make, and doctors are a portion of the people who physically battle the tremors of death, consistently. These medicinal specialists know the contrast between life and passing. Consequently, they generally make snappy yet watchful decisions in light of the fact that delays moderately compare to death. With the assistance of ongoing restorative innovation, these cutting-edge saints would now be able to analyze and treat an individual’s disease, thusly expanding one’s future. So for the individuals who are out and out terrified of doctors, here are some clever specialist jokes to decrease the blame.

Funny doctors day quotes in English

• Whatever you are doing, do unfalteringly. you have got one life to live; do your work with passion and provides your best. whether or not you would like to be a cook, doctor, actor, or a mother, be hot to induce the simplest result.
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• There is no using category, no proletariat, no farming category. you’ll pigeonhole a person or lady as a farmer or an employee or an expert man or AN leader or perhaps a banker. however the son of the farmer are a doctor or an employee or perhaps a banker, and his girl an educator. The son of an employee is a leader – or even president.
• Whenever a doctor cannot help, he should be unbroken from doing damage.
• mission, a devotion. It requires involvement, respect, and temperament to assist all people.
• When I used to be born I was thus ugly the doctor ill-treated my mother.
• Finish last in your league and that they decided you, half-wit. end last in graduate school and that the decision you doctor.
• A doctor will solely treat patients. A doctor will solely facilitate the World Health Organization area unit shot or who area unit blistered. however, can stop folks from injuries. can take a step so no one is afraid tomorrow.

• It is not the healthy United Nations agency would like a doctor, however the sick. I even have not returned to the decision the righteous, however sinners to penance.
• The best doctor is that the one you run to and cannot notice.
• I told the doctor I stony-broke my leg in 2 places. He told American state to quit aiming at those places.
• The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the attorney all the wickedness, the theologist all the stupidity.
• A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a nasty back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s adulthood.’ the girl says, ‘I desire a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay – you are ugly furthermore.’

• Doctors day message

  Dentist day wishes

  Doctors day inspirational quotes

  Dentist day quotes

  Doctors day quotes in Hindi

  Best doctors day quotes

• A doctor will bury his mistakes however associate designer will solely advise his purchasers to plant vines.
• I told the doctor I stony-broke my leg in 2 places. He told American state to quit aiming for those places.
• Time is mostly the simplest doctor.
• The idea of winning a degree step by step assumed the facet of a good ethical struggle, and also theoretically fight possessed vast attraction on behalf of me.
• As any doctor will tell you, the foremost crucial step toward healing has the proper designation. If the illness is exactly known, a decent resolution is way a lot of doubtless. Conversely, a nasty designation sometimes means that a nasty outcome, regardless of however masterful the medico.
• Joy, temperance, and repose slam the door on the doctor’s nose.
• As a medical doctor, I even have better-known the face of adversity. I even have seen abundant of death and dying, suffering and sorrow. I conjointly keep in mind the plight of scholars flooded by their studies and of these attempt to be told a far off language. and that I recall the fatigue and frustration felt by young oldsters with youngsters in would like.

Funny happy doctors day quotes

• I was continually aghast after I visited the doctor’s workplace and that they did my X-ray and did not notice that I had eight a lot of ribs than I ought to have or that my blood was the color inexperienced.
• My doctor told American state that cardiopulmonary exercise may add years to my life. I feel he was right. I feel 10 years older already.
• If my doctor told American state I had solely six minutes to measure, I would not brood. I might blood group very little quicker.
• When I was born, the doctor checked out my mother and aforesaid, ‘Congratulations, you have got an associate actor!’
• A doctor doesn’t raise concerning politics and opinions – that’s, however, I perceive my role.
• The conscience of the planet is thus guilty that it continually assumes that folks United Nations agency investigate heresies should be heretics; even as if a doctor United Nations agency studies Hansen’s disease should be a leper. Indeed, it’s solely recently that science has been allowed to check something while not reproach.
• A teacher should believe the worth and interest of his subject as a doctor believes in health.
• Myself once young did thirstily frequent doctor and saint, and detected nice argument concerning it and about: however evermore came out by a similar door as in I went.
• My doctor tells American state I ought to begin fastness it down – however their area unit a lot of recent drunk than there area unit recent doctors thus let’s all have another spherical.
• I’m thus free-spirited. everybody encompasses an American state within them: that loud woman that simply wanna go, ‘Ayyyy!’ regardless of if you a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, it comes out.
• But the one that scored well on associate Saturday won’t essentially be the simplest doctor or the simplest attorney or the simplest businessperson. These tests don’t live character, leadership, creativity, perseverance.
• You can’t be what you do not see. I did not accept being a doctor. I did not even accept being a clerk in a very store, I might ne’er seen a black clerk in a very men’s store.
• Originally the film opened with Ryan within the doctor’s workplace, being told his married woman is dying. Then we have a tendency to see him walking the streets, and also the story is told in flashback.

• So I made a decision to maneuver that scene within the doctor’s workplace to common fraction into the picture show when the viewers had come back to understand Ryan and Ali and share in their happiness.
• My begetter was a doctor and sawbones. He was the fifth generation of his family to become a doctor.
• Don’t simply stand there, idiot. the decision a doctor, so facilitate ME notice a nose.
• My begetter was a doctor and sawbones. He was the fifth generation of his family to become a doctor.
• The Americans assume British T.V. shows area unit wonderful, and everyone references ‘Downton Abbey’, and, in my genre, ‘Doctor Who’, that most are crazy for. folks {are|ar|area unit|square MEasure} continuously asking me and area unit continuously defeated that I have never been in it.
• As physics students, we have a tendency to area unit educated that physicists area unit sensible, that chemists area unit moderately acceptable, which biologists area unit on no account terribly intelligent. therefore I wasn’t inclined to require a biology course. however my father insisted, and perhaps what he had in mind was that, if there have been no jobs in physics, I’d find yourself being a doctor.
• Around seventeen to twenty years, I became myself, a poacher. and that I wished to try to it, as a result of – I believed – to continue my studies. I wished to travel to school, however, my father was poor, my uncle even. So, I did it. And for 3 to four years, I visited the university. for 3 times, I applied to life science, to be a doctor. I did not succeed.

Funny doctors day quotes and images

 

• There was one thing terribly special regarding ‘Doctor Who’, and that I did miss it loads.
• My construct of a ‘Doctor Who’ lady was that you just screamed loads and ran around quarries in unsuitable footwear. after all, you fell over and twisted your articulatio talocruralis, as a result of you had high heels on.
• I was very therefore excited once it came back on air and that I saw all 3 of the actors WHO contend’Doctor Who’ within the new edition and they’ve all been completely sensible in their own special method, as all the Doctors continuously area unit.
• ‘Doctor Who’ is one in all those things that stays with you throughout your career, and I am terribly proud of that.
• ‘Doctor Who’ was my 1st receiver job, and before that, I did loads of theatre in education, children’s theatre.
• I’m an enormous fan of ‘Buffy,’ ‘Angel’ and ‘Doctor WHO.’ folks like graven image Whedon, Russell T. Davies, and Steven Moffat area unit very wonderful regarding creating you’re feeling such as you had a whole meal and nevertheless exploit you hungry for additional.
• I married a beautiful doctor, and that I was a terribly happy – amount.
• I’m a womb-to-tomb ‘Doctor Who’ fan. Like, Peter Davison/Colin Baker, womb-to-tomb fan.

• When I was a young actor in Vienna, already my hair was the breach at a fast rate. I visited a doctor, who aforesaid hair was like grass: if you mow it, then it grows back stronger. therefore I visited Brittany, wherever no one knew ME, and that I whiskerless my head. once it grew back – solely the fringes!
• I’m an associate ER doctor, period. I investigate a drag with a definite lens: terribly action-oriented, terrible results-oriented.
• When a headache persisted, I checked myself into an associate hospital room. once the doctor used the term ‘a brain tumor’, I feared the worst. My whole world shrank around ME.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in daycare three times a week.
• Examination of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

Short funny doctors day quotes

• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• The patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

• Funny Medical Quotes by Hospital Specialists
• The Allergists voted to scratch it.
• The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
• The Psychiatrists thought it was madness.
• The Radiologists could see right through it.
• The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
• The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
• The Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
• The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
• The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.”
• The Paediatricians said, “Grow up!”
• The Plastic Surgeon said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’
• The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
• The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
• The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
• The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
• The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

Funny doctors day quotes and pictures

• I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
  – Dave Barry
• A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
  – Joey Adams
• My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.
  – Ronnie Shakes
• I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.
  – Rita Rudner
• Y O U R F L Y I S O P E N would be a fun chart for an eye doctor.
  – Greg Tamblyn
• Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
  – Jay Leno

• I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
  – Jay London
• I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
  – Groucho Marx
• The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
  – Jay Leno
• I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
  – Henny Youngman
  Doctor to patient: “You’re very sick — I like that in a patient.”
  – (from a cartoon by P.C. Vey)
• Tell your therapist that you have an addiction to shitty advice, and then ask if you can see them more than once a day.
  – Guy Endore-Kaiser

• After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: “No hablo inglés.”
  – Ronnie Shakes
• My health insurance is cheap, but there are trade-offs. When I wanted to get a colonoscopy they sent me a chimney sweep.
  – Greg Tamblyn
• When I was a kid, my doctor gave me candy so I’d have to see the dentist, who gave me small toys to swallow so I’d have to see the doctor. I think they came up with that one on Wednesday at the country club.
• My doctor’s office has a foolproof way to collect. You pay your bill before you leave or you don’t get your clothes back.
• General anesthesia is so weird. You go to sleep in one room, then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college.
  – Ross Shafer
• Finish last in your league and they call you “idiot.” Finish last in medical school and they call you “doctor.”
  – Abe Lemons, basketball coach
• I went to a psychiatrist because I was hearing voices inside my head. They told me not to pay his bill.
  – (from a cartoon by Chris Weyant)

• The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
  – Will Rogers
• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  – Groucho Marx
• According to hospital insurance codes, there are 3 different ways you can be injured by a lamppost.
  – Wall Street Journal
• Is there a medical rule that requires doctors’-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?
  – Dave Barry
• We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
  – Dave Barry
• Minor surgery is an operation performed on somebody else.
  – (Anonymous)

Funny quotes for doctors day

• A scared look and a “let me go google that” is not what you want to hear from the gynecologist.
  – Ericacanrant ‏@ericacanrant
• Why do they call it proctology? Is it because analogy was already taken?
  – Aristotle ‏@AristotlesNZ
• The scrub sink…is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won’t get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.
  – Dave Barry
• What’s the difference between God and a surgeon?
  God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.
• “I wasn’t using any illegal drugs. It was just weed!!”
• “Patient calls me in and is poking himself in the face. It hurts when I do this. Before I could stop myself I said, “Well stop doing that.”
• “Had a patient come unglued in the ER one day. He told the doctor he smoked to “relax”. The doctor said, “That’s an oxymoron.” and left the room. A patient was furious that the doctor called him a “moron.” Oi!!
• “While triaging a male in his 50s, I asked what his medical history was. “I had a neurocriax”. I said “Oh?” And he said, “Yes”. I asked him what that was and he looked surprised and said: ” You don’t know what that is?”. And I said “No sir, I have never heard of that before” and he answered, “My lung shrunk”. When I said, “Oh you mean a pneumothorax?” he said with a real attitude, “THAT is what I said. What’s wrong with you?”.
• “May I have a glass of water? I just want to check if my throat leaks.”
• “I’m not dying, am I?”
• “I have something stuck in my philosophy” from a little old guy.
• “Ya Know more people have seen me naked since I’ve turned 90 than all the years before.”
• “One patient complained, “My vagina is humming”.
• “After asking a patient to please rate their pain for me, the patient replied with all seriousness “On a scale from 0 to 10 how big of an emergency is this?”. The answer was, it’s not!

• “If my grandmother is so dehydrated, why don’t you just put her in the bath?”
• “Patient in a geriatric chair: I want a boy I want a boy I want a boy. (After days of this) Me: Why do you want a boy? Patient: I want to make him a man!
• “There was a little hard pellet inside my mouth and I think maybe it was my ovary.”
• “Patient with the chief complaint, “I don’t have a pulse”. When I asked him why he didn’t think he had a pulse he said he was at “The Walmart” and took his blood pressure on the machine there and it didn’t tell him the pulse.
• “You must have overslept”. What the 100-year-old guy said to me when I showed up to round on him at 12:30 pm. LOL. I’m pretty sure he was kidding. I think.
• “When I see a family member sitting in the room I always want to know their relationship. Here’s the greatest response I’ve ever gotten: Nurse: What is your relationship with the patient? – Woman: I’m not sure.” » Ouch. I’m going to step outside while you too discuss things…
• “My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.” » Joey Bishop
• “Nurse: ‘Doctor, Doctor the man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?’ – Doctor: ‘Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!’
• “The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• “Don’t check my temperature with that rectal thermometer! I’m not even “Had a female patient tell me she had the “prostate cancer.” I couldn’t keep a straight face.
• “Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, ‘No Mrs. Jones, not the HEARSE, I’m sending the NURSE.’
• “My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.

Funny doctors day quotes examples

• “A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. ‘All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?’ – ‘Eventually,’ said the Doctor, ‘she will rise and shine.’
• “I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• “I had a 75ish-year-old lady who was starting to cement a bit follow me into my office recently. To the delight of most of the other docs and the nurses she loudly proclaimed, “I love the way those jeans fit you!”. Almost everyone in the office heard it. Then, the next visit she said to the whole waiting room and the front staff: “Not only is he a great doc, but he’s handsome and has a really nice smile”. A little embarrassing but pretty funny.
• “Doctor tells to a patient: – I have some bad news and worse news. Patient: – What is it, doctor? Doctor: – The laboratory test results show that you have only 24 hours to live. Patient: – Oh my God! Doctor: – The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable.
• “Middle-aged female walked into ER asking us for a “shot of Penicillin because I have an infection in my pubic bone.”
• “I don’t take any of my maintenance drugs anymore, so I guess my Hypertension and Diabetes are all gone now.”
• “‘What kind of work do you do?’ a woman passenger enquired of the man traveling in her train compartment.” » ‘I’m a Naval surgeon,’ he replies.’My word!’ spluttered the woman, ‘How you doctors specialize these days.’
• “Had a patient who needed a pacemaker, told me he only wanted one that would let him go fishing, but no lawn mowing or other chores.
• “Rheumatic Fever: It is much more common in the temporal zone.”
• “One of my most uncomfortable experiences ever. Patient with lots of facial hair and a deep husky voice. Me: “Sir” Patient: “I’m not even a man”
• “I had a patient tell me that her promethazine suppositories really hurt during insertion and that they didn’t work. She showed them to me across the counter and I almost died laughing. I told her that it was most likely painful because she wasn’t removing the foil wrappers first. What in the heck is wrong with some people?
• “You don’t look old enough to be a nurse.”
• “Venereal Disease Control: Sexual intercourse is a common practice among all people. Prostitutes should be registered and made civil servants.
• “The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure.” » Voltaire

• “If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it’s time to switch doctors.
• “Not a saying but I once walked in on a GI bleeder who was drinking his unit of blood right from the bottle. Cutting out the middleman.
• “I didn’t overdose. I just took two pills more than necessary!”
• “I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” » Groucho Marx
• “Oh, I’m just so constipated! Please bring me some eye drops!”
• “Family of a brain-dead patient: “What’s the big deal? Can’t you just do a brain transplant?” We were all daring each other to call the neurosurgeon with that one.
• “I think I have anemia. My hands hurt when it rains.”

Funny doctors day quotes inspirational

• “Had a 50-year-old man complain once about his hymenal hernia.
• “Once had a VA patient that came to the ER for chest pain. He said he had tried putting “one of the nuclear explosions under his tongue and that helped some.” I assume he meant nitroglycerine.
• “I am scheduled to have an autopsy (biopsy) in the morning.”
• “Nurse, I’m going to have to sue the doctor for prescribing me an illegal dose of Tylenol.”

• “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.” » Samuel Goldwyn
• “I feel like a baby is sitting on my chest. Just a baby though, not an elephant.”
• “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” » Erma Bombeck
• “Patient asked to rate pain from 0-10: “Well, my pain is 20.”
• “Uh-uh, no way. I was incubated once when I had ammonia and I ain’t getting incubated again”.
• “Doctor: Are you on HRT? Patient: No, income support.
• “My son a dentist was told by a patient they couldn’t use ice on their jaw because they were allergic to ice. My son asked, “What do you mean? What happens?” The patient said, “It really turns the area really really red!” She was serious, he told her not to leave it to place more than 10 minutes or so at a time and that was not an allergy. You just have to wonder.
• “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• “Had a patent on a cooling blanket on the day. He looked at me so serious and said: “Ma’am, have you got a coat or a sweater I could borrow?”.

• “A patient told me she needed the “pap smear where they take your ovaries out and look at them under a microscope and put them back in”.
• “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• “Feel free to leave your own humorous patient exchanges you’ve had as a doctor, nurse or other healthcare professionals in the comments below.
• “An elderly confused patient who had just been shaved for a cath told my friend a blackbird pecked him clean.
• “You’re the cutest thing I’ve had between my legs in years.” 80-year-old urologist.
• “What was the doctor saying about my dimensions (dementia)?”
• “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton
• “I forgot the names of my medications, but I remember that my last Blood Pressure reading was 121/119 mmHg.”
• “It’s so painful, I wouldn’t wish this much pain on Osama Bin Laden.”
• “My father had thyroids and I think I do too.”
• “But why do I have to take my medication with Coca-cola instead of Pepsi?”
• “Examination of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• “Coding a record and during the admission, the patient refused to drink out of the water jug because she was convinced they also used them as men’s urinal bottles!
• “Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. -Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?- Patient: I sure did – the bottle said ‘keep tightly closed.’
• “I don’t feel so good. I think I had too much peanut butter and I think I have an STD.”
• “I’m here for my scheduled seduction (sedation).”
• “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.” » Joan Rivers
• “A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman’s abdomen.
• “I didn’t actually fall. It was controlled the landing.”
• “Putting a foley cath in a guy and he says “When am I gonna cum?….. I mean pee?”
• “I had a patient once who said they were diagnosed with a dozen lunar infarctions.
• “Do you have any heart problems”, I asked. “Yes, doc opened for of my Coronas”. I said, “That was rude of him”.

• “I have been waiting here for a long time. It’s been ten minutes! When will I be seen?”
• “Nurse: Mrs. Smith. Do you remember me? I haven’t seen you in a week. I brought you last week when you were really sick. Mrs. Smith: Are you the fireman?

Funny doctors day quotes love

• “While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, ‘Thank goodness my work is completed. I’m so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who’s so gentle and understanding too.’ When seated in the dentist’s chair, I related the incident to him. He laughed heartily and explained, ‘Oh, that was just my Mother.’
• “A patient that was upset with his care told me he was waiting for his check so he could buy a bus ticket to Hawaii. Serious! Made it out of the room before I laughed.
• “You got any salve?”. “For what?”. “My piles!”.
• “A pediatric patient was having ear pain after having tubes put in. Mom asked if we were going to put the Tylenol in the patient’s ear.
• “A psychiatrist congratulates his patient with progress in treatment. The patient: Do you really call it progress? Six months ago I was a Napoleon and now I am nobody.
• “I had a triple femur bypass”. Holy crap. Call the news crew! Beats the heck out of the woman who wanted to go him with a couple dozen of them depositories!
• “Had a “third world” patient who complained of stomach discomfort. Gave him some Mylanta in a med cup. He poured it on his belly and rubbed it in. “Oh thank you!” (in his own language).
• “I just wash my hair often when I have nosebleeds.”
• “Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, ‘Would you pull down your knickers, please?’
• “Ah, I have had this for quite a while. Like a hundred years now.”
• READ — Drinking Alcohol Slogans, Quotes & Funny Sayings
  Nurse: “I want to have a peek in your mouth, Sir.” Patient: “No, you cannot pee in my mouth!!!”
• “While doing a neuro check on a new admit on the rental unit I asked a patient if he could tell me where he was. He said with all seriousness ” Yes, I’m at the bottom of Hell, and I hope they serve cold beer here.”
• “What does the 96-year-old admitted with chest pain tell me? “I’m too busy to spend time in the hospital. I’ve got things to do.” Awesome!
• “As I pulled my patient out of the CT scanner, he said, “I think I missed the movie”.

• “56 yr old pt told me she’s taking prenatal vitamins to help her gain weight because it seems to work for the pregnant ladies. She was sad that recent weight loss had made her butt shrink.
• “Patient when asked about her chief complaints: “Well, my hair hurts.”
• “Control of Bovine Tuberculosis: All cows should have a patch test “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.” » Jerry Vale
• “Not a medical professional, but an OB/Gyn friend of mine told me about a patient who complained about ” fireballs in her Eucharist ” for fibroids in her uterus.
• “She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon.” » Groucho Marx.
• “While working in a pharmacy I had a patient hand me a note asking for “Prilosec-for stomach” because her doctor had recommended trying it.”
• “I had a schizophrenic patient once who, when he was having troubles, slept on the floor figuring that if anyone came into the room to stab him would go to the bed first. One day he was in an especially foul mood, and I asked him why. He told me that must have gotten up on the wrong side of the floor that morning. I almost had an aneurysm suppressing the guffaw.
• “I was wondering how much it would hurt if I jumped from here.”
• “Senior surgeon (angrily): ‘For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.’ [a medical device which is used to look into the ears]. Distracted young nurse: ‘But doctor, I don’t even know your star sign.’
• “The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in daycare three times a week.
• “The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say, ‘I’m so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse.’
• “Carbon Monoxide Poisoning: If the amount breathed is not lethal, the patient has many of the symptoms of a severe enema. He is usually flushed and has…
• “Wife returns from the clinics and tells her husband: – The doctor recommended me to spend one month at the sea, two weeks in the countryside and go for one week abroad. Where will you take me first? – To another doctor…”

• “Oldest lady I’ve ever taken care of with breast implants. 92 years old. She only had one implant though. Her husband got half in the divorce.
• “I once asked a confused patient if she remembered where I told her she was. She said “Yea, in the hospital. Do you want me to act like it?”.
• “I walked in a patients room to give a golf shot and asked him where he would like me to give it. He said, “How about your own ass?”.
• “A doctor of a small village drives a car at 150 km/h. His wife: – Honey, why are you driving so fast – there might be a policeman around the corner and he would stop you.” » Don’t worry, darling, yesterday I told him to stay in bed.
• “A woman flagged down a cab.”Where to?” the cabbie asked. “The hospital,” the woman answered. “Where at the hospital?” the cabbie asked. “Maternity ward.” the woman answered. A determined look crossed the cabbie’s face. “Okay, I’ll get you there. Don’t you worry!” He then floored it and started weaving past cars. “No no, you don’t need to drive so fast,” the woman said. “I only work there!”
• “After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.” » Larry Brown.
• Patient with seizures: “I had to come to the E.R. because I quit taking my Peanut Butterball (Phenobarbital).”
• “Not my patient but my father (circa1978). ” I’m in the cardiac ICU, the cardiologist said that I have ‘vagina’”. I’m pretty sure it was angina.